Something very exciting happened to my family last month. It was 9 O’Clock on a Saturday night when my dad came slowly hopping into the living room. He looked nervous, just like he did the year before when some human kids started filling up our hole with dirt. But this time, there were no kids. No, something else was wrong.

“Fiddly, Stiddly, Biddly,” he said, “gather around. I have something to tell you.” He stopped and scratched a flea, keeping us in suspense. “Your mother has lost something very important. Her wedding ring.”

Stiddly and Biddly flung their paws over their mouths so they wouldn’t scream. I just sat there wondering why some ring was so darn important.

“We all have to pitch in to help find it,” Dad said.

Then, Biddly spoke up. “When was the last time she saw it, Dad?”

“She said she definitely had it this morning.”

“Yeah, said Stiddly, “but from then until now she’s been at the grocery, the pharmacy, the carrot store, every room in the house, Coggly Moddly’s home, and aerobics class!” Dad looked back and forth at us twitching his nose. Mom said that that was one of the main reasons she married him – because he looked so cute when he wriggled his nose up and down.

“Looks like we’ve got our work cut out for us then” said Dad. “Okay now, here’s the plan. Whoever finds the ring will get to go to the store and pick out the biggest carrot you can find. And then you can eat it all by yourself.”

Wow! Dad only let us go to the Carrot Store on very special occasions. All of a sudden, that ring became as important to me as it was to my Mom. And I knew I was going to find it. No matter what it took. Then Dad would proudly take me to the Carrot Store and I’d chomp my big white teeth into the biggest every, most largest, most monstrous, hugest carrot I could find!

The next day after school, I looked everywhere for that ring. I looked up and down. Outside and inside. I looked behind chairs, in pillowcases, and even in the refrigerator. And after I looked everywhere, I looked some more! In shoes, in the bathroom, in gloves and in hats. And my sisters, Stiddly and Biddly were looking, too. But, by 4 O’Clock that afternoon, nobody found anything.

Mom was in the kitchen when she called us in to see if we’d found the ring yet. “Anything children?” she asked.

We all answered at the same time. “No.” A big frown appeared on her face. “Well, have some strawberry marshmallow pie,” she said. “Then you can start looking again later.”

We sat down. Where, where, where, where, where is all I could think about. That ring had to be somewhere! I watched Mom’s paws as she put the pie down on the table. Wait a minute….paws….pie….that’s it! I burst out of my seat, grabbed the pie off the table, and ran for the door.

Mom screeched! “What in the world are you doing, Fiddly?!”

I didn’t answer. I hopped very fast out the door and down the street with the strawberries and marshmallows dripping all down my paws.

I finally stopped and hid between the Moggly’s and the Thrattly’s house behind a big tree. I sat down and started eating the pie as slowly as I could. The ring just had to be in the pie. Fifteen minutes later, I was getting awfully full. But there was still no ring. Two more minutes. Still nothing. Another two minutes….crack! My teeth scraped against something! I moved my tongue carefully around in my mouth and there it was. I could feel it. The ring was sitting right on the edge of my tongue.

I took it in my paw and looked around for some leaves to clean the strawberries and marshmallows off. But it was summer and all the leaves were up high on the tress. So I bent down one of my big ears to clean the ring. My ear was all yucky and sticky now, but I could clean myself later.

I was so excited, I couldn’t breathe. I started home, and when I reached the front door, everyone was standing in the doorway. They had angry faces on because I took off with the pie. But I wasn’t worried. I had the ring. Before anybody could say anything, I hopped up to Mom, took her paw, and slipped the ring on. Her face lit up like a big blast of sunshine.

“The ring was in the pie,” I said, “I almost ate it.” They laughed.

“Well done, Fiddly,” said Dad. “But, what is that all over your ear?”

“There was nothing around but my ear to clean the ring with.” They all laughed again.

“Remember that big carrot I promised to whoever found the ring? Well, let’s go get it.” Dad said twitching his nose.

The fur on my face must have turned completely gray. In all the excitement, I had forgotten about the carrot I was supposed to pick out – the biggest ever, most monstrous, hugest carrot I could find. It was all I wanted in the beginning. It was the main reason I looked so hard. And now, now, I was too full with pie to even think about eating a carrot. But, then I realized there was a better reason. A reason to find that ring that was better than all the carrots in every garden, or in every Carrot Store. And that reason is my Mom. I’ll never forget the smile on her furry face.

CHEESY MUSIC UP.

(ALL VOICEOVERS ARE CHEERY, UPBEAT AS IF THEY’RE TALKING NORMALLY.)

MICK: I was looking for a special girl. Someone who knew how to have fun. Someone who liked to party so much, she could throw up a few times a night, then get right back on the horse!

MATTIE: And I was looking for someone who understood my heroin problem and didn’t give me a lot of grief about it. Thanks to our shared addiction, we found each other!

MICK & MATTIE: And now we’re helping to destroy each other’s lives!

SAMANTHA: I’m a busy woman working on Wall Street with a constant hankering to hit the crack pipe. I needed someone who could supply me AND sleep with me.

SCOTT: And she found me! You know, when you’re growing up, no one ever tells you how hard it is to find the perfect woman. Thanks to crack cocaine, I found someone who thinks like me, has paranoid delusions like me and a strong potential for heart failure…..just like me.

SAMANTHA & SCOTT: We couldn’t be sicker together!

SERIOUS MUSIC UP.

ANNCR: Sound like anyone you know? We can help. Call the Canterbury Institute For Addiction Treatment. The most advanced, most comprehensive treatments for all types of addictions. It’s outpatient and confidential. 732-379-6000.

“Disharmony 2”

CHEESY MUSIC UP.

(ALL VOICEOVERS ARE CHEERY, UPBEAT AS IF THEY’RE TALKING NORMALLY.)

JEFF: A while back, I started searching for my soulmate – someone who could shoot heroin, do a speedball and knock back a dozen beers all under an hour!

JODY: And I wasn’t looking at all! But when I met Jeff, I said to myself: “that is one sweaty, anorexic addict I cannot resist!” Thanks to our drug problems….
JEFF & JODY: ……we couldn’t be more screwed up!

DIANE: I’m a very busy lawyer. I needed a partner who shared my love for crack. A real man – someone who wasn’t scared to buy drugs on the street.

MICHAEL: I used to be so picky. She had to be an alcoholic who wanted children and didn’t mind getting beaten up every once in a while. But then I met Diane and, hey, two out of three ain’t bad! Thanks to drugs….

DIANE & MICHAEL: ….we’ll probably both die at an early age!

SERIOUS MUSIC UP.

ANNCR: Sound like anyone you know? We can help. Call the Canterbury Institute For Addiction Treatment. The most advanced, most comprehensive treatments for all types of addictions. It’s outpatient and confidential. 732-379-6000.

Now on the ballot in a growing number of states, a referendum has been issued to eliminate the word “too” from the english language. The brainchild behind the proposal is Mayor David Carlsmith of Oliver Springs, Tennessee. He explains it this way: “Most Americans just can’t get that extra “o” onto the word when they write it. They either forget it or they don’t understand the difference. They wonder why should I add that extra “o?” It takes time and, jeez, it’s just plain confusing. Then there’s the t-w-o version – it gets very crazy, very fast. In my experience, most people don’t have the same problems with “as well” or “in addition.”

Reports have also come in from the Midwest and Rhode Island in full support of the measure and leaders from those areas will be including it on their future ballots. to ensure the passing of the measure, a television commercial has been produced with Carlsmith addressing the tv audience. “Just imagine a world without “too,” Carlsmith says, “people will be less stressed, which means less heart attacks, strokes and hemorrhages. Support this measure and save lives now.”

Carlsmith says his next target will be quote marks.

Put your money where your base is. Let the unenlightened be and build your core.

They know you. They love you. Ka-ching.